What do people think when they see/hear a toddler having a screaming tantrum? Are they judgemental, and think, like I sometimes used to do, "What is wrong with that mom? Can't she control her child? If she just had better discipline, that child wouldn't behave like that. There is no way a child of mine will ever do that to me." HA HA. How wrong I was. Especially since it was my child throwing that screaming tantrum in church today. Throwing a relatively mild tantrum so that I had to drag him out, baby in arms, during the sacrament hymn. And then screaming so loudly that his dad (and the entire ward) could hear him screaming from the front of the room where he was blessing the sacrament. He SCREAMED so loudly that they could still hear him through multiple closed doors and I had to take him clear to the other end of the building so that he couldn't be heard. And strangers came to offer to take my baby off my hands so that I could better handle him. He screamed at, and punched me, continually for a good 15 minutes or so.
So I wonder, what do people think? I'm only slightly wondering what people think of me. Since I know at that moment, at least, I was being a good parent. He was throwing his fit because I wouldn't cave in and give him what he was throwing the tantrum for. And as much as I usually want to, I didn't even feel like hitting him back this time. I was unusually patient this time around. And today, at least, I wasn't overly tired or burned out, and I just stood there quietly while he screamed so loudly. So I'm not overly concerned about what people thought of me today. Those with less parental experience or more judgemental attitudes, like my former naive self, may have wondered what was wrong with me as the parent. Others, like the loving sister in the foyer who said, "I've been there," or the brother who took my baby and walked around with her while I dealt with my son, or the stranger who wanted to offer to take the baby for me but didn't know me - but showed her love just by teling me that she had wanted to help - those others may have looked at me with kindness, and empathy, and service.
But what I wonder, and what makes me sad, is what they think of my son. Is he earning himself a label as being a difficult child? Especially since I've taken him out for plenty of tantrums before. And since he's the only new three year old sunbeam who can't make it through class without a melt down. And he's one of the boys who they primary presidency had to separate into two classes because they were both a little clingy and "needed some extra attention." Do they realize that those two boys are the ones who have had their moms with them in nursery for the last year and haven't had the opportunity of learning to stay in class on their own because their moms had been their teachers? Do they remember that my little sunbeam who has weekly melt downs just barely turned three in December, and all of the other kids in the class are at least 6 months older and have had at least 6 months more of nursery (without their moms) - do they know he's just a little baby still? And what no one could know is that today, at least, the extremity of his tantrum has been partially caused by the steroids he has been on to help clear out his lungs. And that he's been feeling pretty yucky and not breathing well for weeks, and is still so tired, and just starting to feel better. So I wonder, what do people think of him? Do they see what a funny, intelligent, sweet kid he can be? Or do they see a little monster?
I don't want my son to be that kid. The one that teachers cringe at when they find him on their roll. The ones that cousins and friends don't want to play with because he is mean. The one that is always in trouble, out in the hall cause he can't make it in class. Yes, he can be difficult. So I wonder too, will he grow out of it? Will he turn into the cute, polite, well behaved kid I know he can be? Will I handle him right, and teach him right, so that he turns out all right in the end? Will his behaviors now earn him labels that he doesn't deserve, but can't get rid of, in the future? Will he have friends, will people want to be around him?
And as I think of these things about my own son, it makes me wonder again about judgements, and why we ever make them in the first place. I still do it, and I hate it. I hate that I once looked at another kid, having a tantrum in the hall, and thought of how difficult he was. I wish I could have offered more love and service to him, and his mom. I hate that I once looked at a mother who's child was less than well behaved and thought, "well if only she was a better parent." I hate that I still can't look at everyone around me with more Christ-like love, seeing them as children of God. I hate that I still make judgements, without even thinking about it. Even wondering what people think about me, I feel like I'm making judgements about people, expecting them to be as critical as I am.
If I'm going to make judgments and assumptions, why can't I just assume that people around me are filled with love and kindness. Why can't I assume that people think, "Man, that kid (or that mom) must be having a hard day, I hope they feel better soon."
My baby woke up, so my quite blog-writing peace, and my train of thought, has been interrupted. But someday, I hope I can be the person who never wonders,"What do people think?" And more importantly, I want to be the person who no body ever has to worry about what I think of them, because I make no judgements and always assume the best. Someday, when people wonder, "what do people think?" they won't have to wonder about me.
